I cursed the first perpetrator of homophobia at four. I started fighting people for calling me a "fag" at seven, and I did that all the way through junior high and high school, and all the way up to the moment I found myself doing it to Richard. My ability to love, to be in a love relationship, is not really what this curse is about. It's about an existential threat to who I am, my identity. So when he made our breakup about my writing, about my sense of purpose, he threatened my identity again.
My very existence. My sense of why I'm here at all was under attack. So there's a through story. There's a story arc here and there were chapters, there were entire books and prequels before the one in the series that I shared as the Love Curse. I didn't know it at the time I recorded this for you guys. I didn't know I was jumping in the middle of the show. So I kind of had to go back to the beginning and binge watch.
It's like if you came in on a series and is like, Oh, this is show's really cool! I'm gonna get on Netflix now and watch the earlier seasons. Okay, so how do you fix that? How do you retrieve the part of you that broke away? Or how do you heal that thing that's wounded? You've identified, okay, it's a four year old self that's been beat to shit. What can you do? And so that's what I was kind of stuck with there for a week or so pondering and trying to think about what I was supposed to do with this information. And I was thinking about the concepts of soul retrieval and Asa's description about how a part of you breaks away, you lose a part of your soul when these traumatic events happen to you.
And I started thinking about the clinical idea of multiplicity, which is no longer really considered a disorder but one of the ways in which the brain protects itself, the mind protects itself against really, really significant abuse or trauma, is these compartmentalizations that happen. And so, as I was feeling my way through all this information, I started to have these images of pieces of myself breaking away like shards of time, like there's a film strip and there are these pieces that got cut because they couldn't be a part of my story. They had to be yanked out. And they exist like It reminds me of the old Superman movies from the 80s, the ones with Christopher Reeve where they imprison the villains in this kind of like broken piece of a mirror that's floating through space.
And so I saw this part of myself. It wasn't a piece of me, like a limb that's missing. It was a moment in time that was edited out and encapsulated in this shard and it exists in a loop, a time loop. Like you have those memories, those flashes, from that event that happened to you. And you can sort of They're just moments. They're seconds. They're like gifs, you know, the little digital moving images. They're just these little moments that play over and over again.
They're memories. From a soul perspective, they're a part of my spirit that is stuck in these little time loops, like horcruxes or something, if you want to use a Harry Potter conceptualization. So yeah, I started to become aware of the fact that there is a four year old version of myself that is stuck in a time loop where he's being beaten for being gay over and over and over again.
And has since it happened. It's out there. It's floating around in space of my existence, of my consciousness. Okay, so how do you communicate with that? How do I get him out of there? So that was the other place that I was stuck. As I was driving around, as I was in the shower, as I was cutting the lawn, as I was sweeping the driveway. That's what I'm working on, right? Okay, again, like I said, asking these questions like, how do I get to him?
And if I do, how do I break him out? So of course I thought, well, I'll journal about it. I'll sit down at some point and I'll really just do some kind of free floating writing with those questions and I was procrastinating doing that a little bit. I couldn't find the right moment. It wasn't like I could put it on my To-Do list like, "Thursday at 10 - Retrieve four year old self from time shard", you know? I kept waiting to have a moment, an impulse, to do it, because this isn't like a book I'm writing.
This is a piece of working on myself that does need to come from this really emotional place. It does need to be inspired. I need to be connected to it emotionally. I can't just examine it intellectually. That's one of my faults in my astrological charts. If I do a relationship composite with anyone, it always brings up the fact that I intellectualize my emotions instead of feeling them.
It's like, great. What do you do if that's what you do? Well I ended up doing it in the car. I was driving, it was a beautiful day, I was listening to some music, I was actually feeling very joyful. I was feeling a moment of, Ah! All is right in the world.
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And that's when the inspiration hit me. Not gloom and doom. It's early in the morning and I'm drinking coffee and I've gotta go there. It was this moment of music, joy in the car, cranked up, and I remembered that moment when I was yoga travelling. Remember that? When I told you on an earlier episode about how I have these dream-like travels during shavasana at the end of a yoga class, and I had that whole vision where my shadow swam up from underneath me and wanted me to spoon him. That has a bit of a musical element as well.
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So here I was driving my car and I saw my four year old self in his shard and I suddenly felt just bowled over with the trauma of what was happening to him and the fact that he didn't know it was happening to him over and over again. His entire existence was living in that moment and I felt this need to go there and rescue him, like an angel beaming in. Or a visitor from the future projecting into that moment and rescuing him, breaking him out, like an episode of Star Trek. So I just started to imagine, you know, how that scene would play out.
And once I was in there, I was like, what do I say to this little kid as my adult self appears to him in this moment of crisis and pain. I'm there to rescue him. What do I say? What's the dialogue? How do I convince a four year old to come with me? Because he was there because we put him there. And at the time, that's all we were was that four year old self. So I knew that there was some part of my consciousness that could just snap my fingers and make him not be there anymore.
Intellectually, philosophically, that should be the case. A lot of people have written to me and said, well you just decide not to feel that way anymore. I ended up completely in tears because I started to speak to him out loud as I'm driving, trying to explain to him what's going on and convince him that he doesn't have to be there. That he can come with me. That there is a place where I live now, where the things that threatened him are no longer a threat. That the thing that he is protecting himself against is not relevant in the same way anymore.
That I have this place that he can come and be all of the things that he was attacked for in pure, open joy. Because he's less likely to be attacked but he's also protected by me. So it can't happen on my watch, kind of thing. And I was You know, I do most of this stuff at an intellectual place.
I'm really not emotional about it.
Refractions on Life and Leadership
I wasn't as emotional on the show as I would've thought I would've been. I even gave a little bit of disclaimer: By the way, if you ever do a reading for me, I don't react very much in the moment. Sometimes my emotional responses come way later. So here's the point at which it overwhelmed me. In the car, where so much of my magic dialoguing happens.
Because I can't write, so I start talking. I was honestly afraid when I got off the interstate that I was gonna get pulled over and arrested. And if a cop saw my face, he would think that I was on something. My eyes were red and I was driving while shattered. Here's the important thing. As you start thinking about this process conceptually, what I'm hoping happens is that you now apply that to some of your stories. The younger versions of yourself that have been in captivity have not had the chance to evolve and grow the way that your present self has. Those younger version of ourselves have not had those experiences.
They haven't benefited from any of that growth or evolution. You have to give them time to assimilate, to learn this world that you live in, to become a part of it. You kind of have to adopt these parts of yourself and raise them from those younger moments forward. Give them a chance to catch up. Give them life experience to allow them to grow up. And maybe it will happen at an advanced rate of speed.
Maybe it won't take 46 years for that to happen. It might take a matter of months or days or weeks. But what I do know is you can't just throw them in the car with you, say they're retrieved, and then carry on and expect them to now participate in all your adult conversations and activities and the conversations that you have with yourself about stuff that's going on. So I have some living to do with these younger versions of myself with the awareness of where they've been and what they've experienced.
It's like adopting a car full of spirit children that are also feral stray cats.
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I'm teaching them about our power. About who we are now And I think it's just an on-going personal development project. And that's cool. Because I needed something that's not just about my work or about ambition. That's just one quadrant of my life, and that's workaholism, when you just channel everything into work and make it all about that. I need to develop in some truly personal ways and so this has presented itself to me as something that needed to be healed.
There was one component that I still wanted to be a part of this new spell, this new magic, this healing magic, this reversal. I needed a new mantra. Shoot the moon is not the mantra for what's going on, with what I just described for you. Shoot the moon is a mantra for a spell to attract my partner. It's an antenna that I've sent up. Shoot the moon is a satellite for a specific purpose of communicating with that person.
It's an invitation for someone to come into my life. But to heal this curse in an ongoing manner requires its own mantra. I just want to share a little bit about what that looks like for me on paper, how I create a mantra. And I'm going to use this very specific example.
Good Luck High Five
So of course it's a writing exercise for me. It kind of reminds me a little bit about doing marketing brainstorming, like when you're trying to think of a cool tagline or like a catchy sentence to go on your Facebook ad or whatever it might be. Something to put on a flyer to draw people in that's not just the title of the event or something more like dialogue. Something that speaks to people.
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And so one of the things that you do is you start writing down as many of them as you can and you write different versions of them. Even the titles of my podcast episodes usually have three or four version where I try out different wording. And that's the way I write. I don't delete things in the moment because I want to have all those options and iterations that I went through, I want them still to be there. So when I write first drafts of things, I just list I can say it this way, I can say it this way, I can say it the same way but with one word different, I can say it here and change the I'm going back to Option 2 or whatever.
I want to see all the options there. So that's an exercise that I do and I thought, okay, I'm just going to do that to write a new mantra. So I started to think about how that old mantra that was related to the curse was my magic in words and it was affirming a very specific place for my magic to be. And I thought, okay, well I need my magic to be in other places. I need it to be everywhere.
I don't just need for it to be in one thing. That's how I got into this trouble. So here's some of the things that I wrote. I'm just gonna read them to you so you can see all the different versions of what I was trying to communicate. That's like an affirmation, right? That's one you can put on a sticky note and put on your mirror and say every day. That's what I want to communicate. But I still want something punchier. I want something quicker. I need a spell. I need an abracadabra. So I wrote: Power flows into and through all areas of my life. Magic flows in all parts of my life.
I am powerful. Magic flows in my life. My life is magical. Magic in my life.
My magic in words. My life is magic. So you can see, as I start to write those, I am trying to find a way to say, 'My magic flows through all areas of my life', the affirmation, in as few words and syllables as possible. Magic is in my life. So I have to keep working on those and see what rolls off my tongue. The fewer words the better. But also, it's kind of like a pet name. It's something that evolves on its own because you keep saying it over and over again.
You hear me saying those things like the intro text to the podcast, you'll notice over time I lose a word or two here or there, right? It's always getting refined and edited down just a little bit further. So a mantra is like a song I'm working on or something. It's like I'm looking for the perfect chorus, the perfect hook. And I'll just keep working with that. But it's a concept that replaces an older concept that was limiting me. Because you can't take something out without putting something else in. Thanks for listening. Thanks for holding space for this process. For me. From what I've heard in feedback, you can relate to this.
You have your own stories. You have your own versions of this kind of pain, this kind of curse, this kind of self-imposed restriction. Start with questions. Go and have dialogues with your Higher Self, with your guides. Go and do an automatic writing session with your questions. See what other questions come up. And do the time traveling thing where you start with an event that you feel like, okay, when was the moment when my soul got broken and cut up?
Because what I found, and what I find often in doing readings for people, is that we think we've got problems in five different areas of our life.
And what we really have one problem showing up in all these different ways, such that we think we have five enemies instead of one, you know? Or we think we're messed up all over the place. We're just a wreck, when really there's just one story that needs to be rewritten. There's this one child that's locked in a shard of time, that needs to be broken free, and invited to come live in this new place. So go do that. Go talk to yourself about it. Go retrieve yourself. Go save yourself.
And love yourself. Player FM is scanning the web for high-quality podcasts for you to enjoy right now. It's the best podcast app and works on Android, iPhone, and the web. And thirsty people walk away empty, convinced the church has nothing unique to offer. Pastor Mark Wilson says it's time for the church to rise up in the power of the Holy Spirit to serve this present age. In Filled Up, Poured Out , he challenges and inspires fellow pastors and all Christians to prepare their hearts to be filled with the Holy Spirit, so that they can in turn pour out God's presence, promise, peace, and power in their congregations and communities.
Filled with personal, inspirational stories from Mark's experience with growing a thriving congregation in a Wisconsin Northwoods town, this book will inspire you to seek the replenishing waters of God's Spirit and show you the pathway to revival for your parched soul.
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